Post all your jokes here. I`ll start with a few:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
Ba dum tchh
William Shakespeare, Winston Churchill and Barack Obama are in an elevator together.
Shakespeare and Churchill don't do anything, because they're dead. Obama is quite disturbed by the experience.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office dressed in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts"
One day a young girl walks up to her father and says, "Daddy?" How did I get my name?" And her father replies, "Well, when you were born I brought a bouquet of roses to your mother in the hospital, and I rose petal fell on your cheek, so we decided to name you Rose." "Oh, what a beautiful story, thanks Daddy," she says, and skips away. Her little sister walks up to her father and asks, "Daddy, how did I get my name?" And her father responds, "Well, when you were born I brought a bouquet of daisies to your mother in the hospital, and a single daisy petal fell on your cheek, so we decided to name you Daisy." "Aw, thanks Daddy," she smiles and skips off.
The third daughter goes up to her father and says, "RAAAAUGHFLLGHAGH!!!" To which he replies, "Cinderblock, get back in the closet!"
A priest, a rabbi, and an iman walk into a bar.
All are offended by what they see.
In a small town in the middle of no where, the only thing they had to be proud of was their beautiful church with a tall bell tower. Every Sunday the bell would ring out through the town an call everyone to church. Then one Sunday, the bell just wouldn't ring. They tried everything they could, but it just wouldn't make a sound. The townspeople got very depressed until a little old lady got the idea to put an add out in the paper offering a reward to anyone who could get the bell to ring. Soon people were pouring in from all over to try to get the reward. Engineers tried to fix it, musicians tried to tune it, a railroad worker even slammed it with a sledgehammer, but it never made a sound. Then one day an old hobo came wandering down the road and said, "I think I can fix your bell." The townspeople laughed, but they guessed there was no harm in letting him try. He got up on the bell tower, took a few steps back from the bell, got a running start, did a back flip and smashed his face into the bell. For the first time in years the bell rang out across the town. The townspeople were amazed. Soon it became an event to see the old hobo ring the bell every Sunday, and huge crowds would gather hours before. Every week was more exciting and acrobatic then the last. Then one week a rumor spread around that this week was going to be the most exciting one yet. Everyone in the entire county was there as the hobo climbed the bell tower. He ran forward, looped sideways, did two back flips, a flying leap and... missed the bell completely falling to his death. The townspeople gathered around crying at the loss of this great man. They slowly realized that no one even knew his name.
"Wait, I know his name," said a little old lady in the back of the crowd. They parted to let her through. She knelt next to his broken body and brushed his hair back. "Oh wait, I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
3 men jump out of a crashing plane, and wind up on a tropical island. Unfortunately for them the island is populated by a tribe of cannibals. The rather sophisticated cannibals explain to the men that they will be ritually devoured, and that afterwards their bones will be used to construct houses, and their skin will be used to make canoes. The men are however, allowed to choose the manner in which they perish, and so are left alone for an hour to deliberate.
The first man chooses to cut his own throat, but doesn't quite manage it correctly, dying horribly. The second man requests that his head be bashed in with a single blow to spare him such pain. The third man asks only for a fork. The natives are perplexed, but soon deliver to him the requested utensil. Without wasting any time the man begins to stab himself over and over. As the man is suffering greatly the natives try to stop him asking, "Why would you choose to suffer so much?!" The man keeps jabbing the fork into himself and begins laughing maniacally. "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"