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Fuck my life (website)

Arcane1129

Arcane1129

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http://www.fmylife.com/

Check it out, hilarious stuff. Post some of your favorites or some FML moments of your own.



Some random funny ones:

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name “Mom” is right next to “Mike” in my contacts list. FML

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

Today, my roommate has gone home for the weekend. She forgot to turn her alarm clock off. Her door is locked. FML

Today, I just had sex with this random guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. She told me I just wasn't her type, but gave me the phone number of one of her friends. Since all the friends I had met had been pretty hot, I called it later. Her friend was a guy. FML
 
Samoan-Z

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LMAO te bird shit one is fucking priceless I lol irl.
 
Samoan-Z

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Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

So sadly true.
 
El Freako

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This is gold!:rofl3:

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

Today, my co-worker came out to me that he's an active "Furry". Meaning, he likes to wear a Bobcat costume and bang other men who are wearing Husky costumes. I am never bringing my dog into work again. FML

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :bowroflarms: :rofl3:
 
Arcane1129

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I love this site :49:

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

Today, after a late night at the bars, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response, "I live here." FML

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

Today, I finally got the balls to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML
 
CombBoy

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Brilliant! So funny cos its all true! :rofl3:
 
El Freako

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WTF?

Today, I woke up after fooling around with this guy and we used whipped cream. I didn't shower right after and it started to feel uncomfortable down there. I discovered that maggots had formed in the whipped cream residue. FML
 

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jnutz19

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Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
this would be funny as hell to pull on a friend lulz

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

my fav ones are the ones that have people leaving a voicemail or a text on the wrong phone.

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML
 
Zigurd

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Some of those are reasonably epic. But I fear the word is too overused now, God saves us all.
 

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